A Life Not His Own: Chapter 17

Jacen finds himself in the white of agony. It consumes him, devours his hopes and dreams.

It devours his self.

He has yet to see a single Yuuzhan Vong since his capture. He only has seen the White.

The White is all consuming, all knowing. When his voice has screamed itself ragged, until he can no longer hear it himself, when his skin feels like it is ready to flake away, and his bones rip from each socket, the White releases him.

It drops him back into the world of colors and memories, and an entirely different type of pain, as his body regains strength; his joints snap themselves back into place.

He has no idea how long he exists in the White. Be it hours, or days or years.

He doesn’t even care. All he knows is the White, and when he is within its grasp he is the White and it is him.

The first time he sees her, he has to wonder what she is doing. A bundle of feathers sitting in one corner, her fathomless eyes watching him, as his body twists back into shape as the White releases him from its agonizing embrace.

“Who, who are you?”

His voice is a bare whisper, hoarse, cracking. He does not recognize the sound of his own voice. Even though it is weak, and barely audible, she replies.

“I am Vergere. Who are you?”

Jacen runs his tongue over dry, chapped lips. “I’m Jacen.”

He struggles to sit up, and finally manages, his body screaming its protest. “What are you?”

Vergere’s head tilts to the side. “I am Vergere. What are you?”

“I am a Jedi.”

A blur of feathers. “No. To be a Jedi, you must be alive.”

“But I am alive.”

“No, no you’re not. You are dead. You’ve been dead since you landed on Yavin IV. And you are dead now.”

“No! No, that’s impossible! I’m not dead!”

Vergere shakes her head again. “My apologies, here I thought I was speaking with an adult who can see the truth of his situation. But it appears that I am merely speaking with a child, one which still wishes to cling to illusions and fallacy.”

Then Vergere jumps up, and hops towards the door. Without saying another word, she goes through, and it closes behind her, leaving Jacen alone.

“But I’m not dead.”

Then he can feel the tentacles which are wrapped around his arm begin retracting, pulling him back. The White calls for him once more. He fights it, tries to use the Force to push back the pain, but the White is inexorable, and inexhaustible.

The White comes regardless of how he fights.

Minutes pass or days. In the White it is all the same.

He is released, colors and sight assail him once more, and once more Vergere sits before him.

“Who are you?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why am I in pain? They’re not even asking me any questions.”

“All life is pain, and pain is life. That is the belief of our Masters.”

Jacen shakes his head, even though the movement sends screams through his body. “No, pain is not life, life is joy and happiness.”

Vergere opens her mouth an issues a musical chiming, an almost whistle, and Jacen feels as if she is laughing at him. “What foolishness. No, life is born in pain and dies in pain. Joy and happiness are illusions grasped onto by those to weak to see life for what it truly is.”

“And it truly is pain.”

Her beak opens wide in an approximation of a smile. “Exactly!”

Of course he has to wonder if she really is smiling. It is merely the opening of a beak, slightly wider, for all he knows it could be the feathers on her head which signify amusement for her species. As he watches those feathers, they lift slightly and twist going from silvery-blue to a blood red.

“But why am I here?”

The White begins to call for him again; a tightening of the tentacles which grasp his arms and legs.

Her smile grows ever slightly wider, becoming somewhat carnivorous. “Why to learn of course. To learn the True Way.”

Then the White has him, and attacks his defenses, pushing away his attempts to keep himself from the pain. He has mere moments to consider her last words as the white once more devours him.

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The Errant Venture slowly slides through real-space, her giant engines pulsing in an inaudible thrum.

A flicker of pseudo-motion and a starfighter drops from hyperspace; a large burn mark runs down one side, evidence of pursuit before she made it into hyperspace. The droid who pilots it, queries for a landing spot, and permission is granted.

As it lands, the starfighter is greeted by a mix of beings, Jedi Masters all. Standing in a half-circle around the landing spot are Kam and Tionne Solusar, Cilghal, and a changed Luke Skywalker.

Where once his face would have been open and happy, it is now lined with misery and grief. Even holding his two month old son cannot change the fact that his wife is in one of the freezers down in the morgue.

As the X-Wing lands, a technician runs to her side, and climbs up, opening the cockpit. The group of masters watch as the technician speaks into a comlink and begins pulling someone out from the ship. Worry flashes in Kam’s eyes as he jumps onto the ship, and helps get Ganner out.

By the time they get him off the ship, and down to the ground, a medical crew has arrived with a stretcher. Cilghal touches his shoulder briefly, her eyes closed. After a second, her eyes pops open. “Get him into a bacta tank.”

The medic nods her head, and pushes the stretcher out of the hanger. Luke continues to stare out the hanger as the other masters look at him. After a moment, Kam turns towards the technician. “Found out what you can about where that starfighter has been, and what happened to the one that was supposed be with it.”

The tech nods his head and Kam jumps down from the X-Wing, and steps closer to Luke. “Luke?”

Without a word, Luke turns away and leaves the hanger. A moment later Tionne comes up and slips her hand into Kam and lays her head on his shoulder. Kam looks down at her, for a moment, a frown pulling down on his features. Then he looks once more towards Luke’s back as the leader of the Jedi Order leaves the hanger, his head lowered, and shoulders slumped.

Tionne’s musical voice sounds from beside him. “Do you think he’s going to be all right?”

Kam gives a quick shake of the head. “I wish I knew.

A few minutes later, the technician comes over to Kam with a datapad. “Master Solusar?”

“Yes?” Kam turns to face the tech.

“Here’re the recordings from the X-Wing and the astromech.”

Kam takes the datapad from the young man. “Thank you, Timor.”

Then the technician leaves. Together Kam and Tionne go to a nearby conference room, and plug the datapad into the display system.

The faces slack, they watch the fight between Jacen and Ganner and the Vong. Tionne cringes back and into Kam as the creature lying on top of Jacen explodes. Then they watch as Jacen gets Ganner back into the X-Wing, and orders the astromech to take Ganner to the Errant Venture. The final scene before the X-Wing leaves atmosphere is of Jacen falling off his own craft, and two Yuuzhan Vong walking towards him.

The screen goes dark, and Tionne hitches a nearly silent sob. Kam gives her hand a gentle squeeze, then leans in and kisses the temple closest to him. “I must go see Master Skywalker about this.”

Tionne nods her head, and wipes away a tear with her hand. “I know, and I’ve got lessons to attend to.”

Kam spares a single glance for his wife before leaving the room, and heading towards Master Skywalker’s quarters.

He arrives, and his finger hesitates over pressing the buzzer for admittance. If Ben is sleeping, that would awaken him. Instead Kam probes Luke with the Force, letting the Master know that he wishes to speak with him.

A few moments later the door slides open, and Luke is standing there, his eyes bloodshot, more lines carved into his face, and it appears as if he had not shaved in three days.

“May I come in?”

Luke steps aside, and Kam enters the darkened quarters. In the corner he sees a deactivated nanny droid standing next to a crib. Luke motions for Kam to enter a secondary room which Luke uses as an office.

“What do you need Kam?”

Kam hands him the datapad. “I have more bad news Master.”

Luke looks up from the datapad, a haunted expression on his face. “HA!” A short bark of a laugh. “It appears that bad news is the only type for us these days. Anakin has fallen, Mara is dead, and a third of the Jedi I have no idea what they’re doing. And Kyp, well Kyp apparently used Jaina to destroy a civilian Vong facility. So tell me, what bad news do you bring?”

Kam glances at the wall, and squeezes the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He hesitates a moment, then finally looks up at Luke. “I’m sorry Master, but it appears that Jacen was captured.”

Luke slumps even further into his seat.

“Why?”

Kam shakes his head. “I don’t have an answer for that Luke. But we all know that Lah has been demanding that he be turned over since Duro.”

Luke turns away, placing his head on the desk, then he lifts his hand and quickly balls it into a fist and smashes it down up on the desk. Kam turns his attention to the far bulkhead.

“What about Anakin? Are we going to give up on him?”

Luke shakes his head. “I felt him trying to save Mara you know.”

Startled Kam turns from his inspection of the far bulkhead to once more look at Luke. “No, I didn’t know that.”

“I can only hope that means he’s coming back to us. It’s a large galaxy, I doubt we’d be able to find him if he doesn’t want to be found. His shields are too powerful; I can barely sense him out there. If Tahiri were alive, she might have been able to find him.”

Kam shakes his head. “If Tahiri were alive, I don’t think we’d have this problem.”

Luke lets out another short, sharp bitter laugh. “I wonder if this is why the Old Jedi Order forbad attachments. That the uncontrolled grief when the one we’re attached to dies is too easy to give into, to easy of a path to the Dark.”

Kam shrugs. “Maybe, but we don’t forbid attachments. And frankly, the love which these attachments bring is so much more important and necessary to us, than stopping the possibility of uncontrolled grief.”

“Is it Kam? Would you still feel this way if Tionne died?”

Kam’s face hardens as he considers the question. “Maybe not right at the time of her death, but right now, and probably after I have grieved I would. Attachments make us whole, they complete us as people. Could you imagine not having been married to Mara?”

Luke rubs his face. “I know you’re right. Intellectually. But right now it’s hard to find that emotionally.”

Kam smiles at the Jedi Master. “I can understand that perfectly Master.” He hesitates for a moment, and then changes the subject of conversation. “What do you think about the girl who has been seen around Anakin on a few of these reported sightings?”

Luke places his fist in front of his mouth as he thinks. Then he gives a brief shake of the head. “I don’t know Kam. We just have to wait to see if he comes home to us before we can find out about her. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to contact my sister. I need to tell her that Jacen has been captured.”

“I understand. If you need anything Luke, don’t hesitate to call me or Tionne. In fact, why not let Tionne and I take Ben off your hands for a few hours later today. Give you a few hours uninterrupted rest time.”

Luke looks up at Kam, the circles under his haunted eyes, deep and harsh, the pain in them unbanished by the shallow smile on his lips. “Thank you Kam, and I’ll call you for that when he wakes from his nap.”

Kam stands and gives the Master a short bow before leaving the room.

Luke watches the door for a moment, and then pulls the holonet transceiver closer to him.

Kam walks slowly and silently down the hall towards the infirmary. He arrives and goes to stand before the bacta tank where Ganner floats. Cilghal walks over and nods her head.

Kam turns to her and forces a smile to his face. “Can you tell me what happened to him?”

She shakes her head. “He was suffering from a dozen different retroviruses, each of which appeared designed to kill baseline humans. I recognized another seven dozen which were dormant, and were apparently designed to destroy Mon Calamari, Wookies, Duros, and a host of other races. Each of whom are represented within the Jedi. One of the wounds contained a flesh eating bacteria, and there was damage to his ear drums from some kind of sonic assault.”

Kam’s mouth tightens as he turns back to Ganner. “Will he survive?”

“I’m not sure. He is in a healing trance and we’ve got him in some of the purest bacta that the Vratix can produce.”

Kam bows slightly. “Thank you Cilghal. I guess we just have to trust in the Force.”

Cilgha’s barbels twitch. “Yes, that is all we can do.”