Weak

There was only one man who could drive her to hours of ritual female transformation but when he gave her that smile that made her knees weak, she knew that every moment had been worth it. For hours she was there, applying make up, and attempting to make her red hair behave the way his sister’s always seemed to. Mara Jade was trying her best to look good for Skywalker, for her farmboy.

Occasionaly Leia or Mirax would stop by to check on her, but she usually swiftly rushes them back from the room. She wants this time alone. She needs this time alone.

She uses a small cloth tissue to dab at her eyes, to keep her tears from ruining the makeup she had worked so hard to apply.

Then she stands and looks into the body-length mirror as it stands in a corner. She has to admire the ottegaten silk gown she is dressed in, and she hopes that he would like it. With a quick nod of her head, she spins from the mirror and picks up her veil. She slowly lowers it over her face, so that it covers her eyes. She nods her head again. This is good for her, now if she cries, no one will be able to see.

She wants no one to see her weakness. She refuses to be weak.

She looks once more into the mirror, and is barely able to catch the flash of green through the veil. More telling is the contrast between the veil and her hair. She thinks it amazing. The contrast focuses her attention on what she’s doing here, and she feels the worries and doubts.

She pushes those away, she refuses to trust her emotions, refuses to feel them right now.

She refuses to be weak.

There is a quick knock on the door, and an attendant sticks her head in and says “It’s time.”

Mara doesn’t trust her voice, and only nods in acceptance. She follows the aide out, and stops outside of the hall. She can hear the music within, the soft sounds, the soothing tones.

It seems so incongruous, but she knows that Luke picked the music himself.

She can hear the gentle voices of their family and friends. Again they are soft sounds and soothing tones. It is almost enough to bring back her tears, her emotions, but she pushes them down and away, intent upon being strong.

She refuses to be weak.

Then she enters the hall, and sees him up at the front, on the slight stage. His sandy blonde hair, his face serene, composed.

It is enough to make her cry.

She walks down the center aisle, towards Luke. All those that the two of them know surround her, watch her. She feels as if they are there to see if she will break, to see if she’ll cry.

She refuses to be weak.

She keeps her pace slow and steady. Afraid that if she goes faster she will either run to him on that stage, or flee the room altogether.

Finally she is there at the stage, looking at him, seeing the slight smile that touches his lips. It is as it always was when he was trying to hide a gift he bought for her, a small quirk that tugs back just one side of his lips. The right side of his lips.

Then she cries. She lets loose the grief and pain that have been hounding her since his death. She leans down into his casket, and presses her face against his one last time, wishing that she could feel some warmth, some response in his cold flesh.

She sinks to her knees, letting the tears flow. Realizing just how much she will miss her Farmboy, just how much she depended on him. She cries in front of their family and friends, not caring if any of them see her as weak. Not caring what they think.

She feels hands on her shoulders, and looks to see Ben’s face near her own, his whispers, “Can you stand mom?”

She nods, her tears still flowing, as he helps her up and leads her to her seat in the front row. He sits down beside her, and wraps his arm around her holding her. She is glad for the warmth and comfort.

She quickly glances up at Corran Horn as he stands at a small lectern off to the left of Luke’s casket, and begins the simple service. “We are gathered here to celebrate a great man, a loving father, a devoted husband, a Jedi Master, and friend to any who would accept that friendship.”

Mara tunes Corran out, focusing on herself, on how much she will miss him and everything about him.

Finally the service is over, and all have gone to the next room for refreshments. As Corran walks past her, he places his hand on her shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze and then walks away without saying a word.

Ben leans over and kisses her cheek and then leaves as well. Leaves her alone with him.

She stands and walks to the casket and ruffles his hair slightly, giving it that wind-blown look he seemed to always have. She takes off her veil and gives him a final kiss, and is startled by how raw her voice sounds. “I’m going to miss you, Farmboy. I love you.”

She turns, her head held high, her tears flowing freely, her grief and pain clearly evident on her tear-stained face. She walks down the aisle to join her friends and family in celebrating his life.

For she refuses to be weak.