If I Could

The tears rolled down her face as she gripped him tightly, knowing that she might never see him again but needing to tell him how much she loved him. She had feared this for so months, since he reappeared. Had allowed the disparate sides of her worry over it, allowed it to keep her awake at night.

Those were long nights, filled with thoughts that she did not want, feelings she could not comprehend, and issues without resolution.

Her name is Tahiri Viella and this should be one of the happiest days of her life.

Yet another sacrifice on the alter of the Yuuzhan Vong.

Another piece of her life, offered up to the True Way.

She releases him, the other half of her soul, and looks for somewhere to sit. She spies a fallen tree a few feet away and stumbles to it, the terrain blurred by her tears. She twists her palms against her eyes and looks at Anakin again.

Anakin. Whole. Alive. It was a miracle when he showed back up during the Corellian Crisis. He appeared almost as if out of nowhere. Older, wiser, stronger. He helped them defeat the Sith, forcing them to flee back to the backside of the galaxy. He is being hailed a savior across the known galaxy. Someone even managed to get a holo of that final duel between him and the Sith Lord, and it still plays non-stop on the holonet, months after the actual event.

She looks back to him, the confusion and worry there on his face. His hand still holds the small piece of gleaming jewelry which brought this attack on.

He starts walking closer to her, and she begins chewing on her lower lip. He stops in front of her and she bites down hard, drawing blood.

The pain provides a focus for her, allows her to gain control of her wayward emotions, a target for her thoughts.

He kneels in front of her, his blue eyes boring into her.

“Tahiri?”

His voice is subtly different from before his death. It is lower, a more somber timber. Guttural.

He sounds like a Yuuzhan Vong.

He holds out the ring again. A token of his love, of his desire, of his wants. “Please marry me.”

She looks at the gemstone as it glitters in the morning sun. She shakes her head.

“I’m so sorry Anakin.”

She tears her eyes away from the ring, and looks up at him, finding him staring at her, pain painted on his face. His voice cracks as he speaks. “Why?”

She lowers her eyes. “It’s not allowed.”

“What?” His voice raises, an almost yell. “Not allowed? Who does not allow it?”

“Yun-Ne’Shel. My culture.”

His eyes narrow becoming darker somehow. “I don’t understand.”

She sighs, and kicks at the dirt, wriggling her toe into the scuff mark.

“I’m a shaper Anakin, I am of Domain Kwaad. Marriage, children, and other such things are forbidden for me.”

His hand convulses, swallowing the ring into his fist as it tightens. Tahiri’s gaze falls to that fist, and she idly wonders how it would feel breaking her nose. His voice interrupts her thoughts.

“But you’re human, and were raised as a Tusken. Marriage is a big part of both of those societies.”

She looks from his fist and into his face again, her breath catching at the pain in his eyes.

“I was human. And as far as being raised a Tusken, I do have those memories, but I also have the memories of being raised in the crèche. I am as much a Yuuzhan Vong as I am a human or a Tusken.”

She spreads her arms slightly.

“I’m sorry Anakin. It’s who I am. What I am.”

His fist clenches once more, and he opens it, allowing the crumpled ring and shattered gemstone to fall to the ground. He stands up, and walks a few steps from her.

“I love you Tahiri.”

She slowly nods her head. “I know. And I wish it was allowed for me.”

His head bowed he continues to walk on. He disappears into the woods around the Jedi Temple as suddenly as he reappeared on the galactic scene so many months ago. She watches where he entered the woods for a moment, and then she covers her face with her hands, and cries. Allowing the tears to flush away the pain and heartache.

After a while her tears finally stop, and she is left with merely puffy eyes and a stuffy nose. Sniffling, she glances up at the sun, noting that she has been here for over an hour now. She stands her legs and joints protesting at moving from their position. She looks down and sees the crushed band of some precious metal which was to be her engagement ring and stoops to pick it up.

She holds it up, its former circular shape bent and twisted by the pressure of Anakin’s pain at her refusal. It reminds her of her heart, bent, twisted and broken from the pain of her refusal.

She slips it into a pocket, and then reaches behind her unclasping the thin silver chain which was a Life Day gift from Anakin’s mom a few years ago. Once she has it off, she slips the former ring onto the chain and then quickly puts the necklace back on. The chunk of metal falls against her chest, a comforting weight, a heavy reminder of what she has sacrificed this day.

She reaches out for him, hoping that he would still be willing to talk to her. That he would still be willing to love her.

And receives nothing in return. No echo. No wall. Just a void. One as solid and as deep as from when he was dead. She takes a deep breath, forcing herself to not cry.

As she exhales, she starts to walk, heading towards the Jedi Temple. She enters by one of Anakin’s favorite gardens, and she looks in, hoping to see him. When he is not there, she sighs and continues on, looking in all the places they had spent time. Never finding him.

She goes to her quarters and steps inside. It feels hollow now. Empty.

Again.

Her hand reaches up, and rubs the bent piece of metal as she looks around the small cell. Turning she quickly leaves the room and goes to Master Skywalker’s office. She knocks and enters on his command.

He smiles at her warmly. “What can I do for you Tahiri?”

“Send me on a mission. Somewhere far away.”

He frowns at her. “Can I ask why?”

“I. I just need to go.”

He nods his head. “I received a request for Jedi to fight a criminal organization. I was plan-”

Tahiri interrupts. “It sounds perfect Master Skywalker.”

Startled, he nods his head. “Then may the Force be with you.”

He offers her a data card, and she takes it, rushing from the room, heading towards her to pack for the mission. An hour later, she is on the transport as it slowly pulls out of atmosphere. She sits in a window seat, staring out at the Jedi Temple as it slowly recedes behind her. A solitary tear slips down her cheek as she presses her hand against the transparisteel of the viewport. Her other hand reaches up and rubs the chunk of twisted metal hanging by a chain around her neck.

“I’m sorry.”