First Kiss; Last Kiss

Once in a great while lips meet and two spirits merged for a time and the universe was right and complete and the planets wheeled in their proper places.

And despite everything else that was happening, this was one of those times.

Or at least that was what Jysella Horn told herself, while her lips were pressed tightly against Ben's.

That eternal moment, that second, in which they were able to ignore the sounds of the dying. They could ignore the searing heat of plasma that flickered by centimeters over their heads. It was a blessed moment, when they could ignore everything and everyone in this crazy, mixed up place that most folks called the real world.

For that single, blessed moment, in the midst of the death and destruction of the unending war, they were at peace. They, two halves of the same soul, were reunited and made whole.

Even though she knew that he could die, or she could, or any of their soldiers, at that second in time, none of that mattered. She was happy, and in love, and with the boy she loved. Nothing else mattered.

She poured everything that she felt, that she was, through their bond, and into him, the same way that he poured all that he was into her. This was their ritual; as essential to going into battle for them, as checking their lightsabers' power packs. That heady feeling they needed, wanted, desired even.

The feelings as they kissed--lust, love, compassion, need, longing, and a thousand others--were just as bright, just as intense for this kiss, as they were for their very first kiss, which had occurred on a battlefield just like this one a thousand systems ago.

But as always was the case, their moment, their kiss, was over way too soon. He pulled away with the roguish grin he worked so hard to perfect and keep on his face. After all, their soldiers followed him not because of who his father was, but because of who his cousin was.

So, Ben did things to encourage that following. He grinned like his Uncle Han. He led from the front lines like his Grandfather. Even that kiss was part of the act. The soldiers enjoyed the fact that their two leaders were married and loved one another; it made them all remember a loved one back home for who they were fighting. And he was always, always, the first into the most dangerous situations.

A couple of ancient soldiers from the Clone Wars said that his Grandfather used to be just like that. The Hero Without Fear. She knew that Ben hated that name. He had fear, and a lot of it, he just refused to let it show, or to let it affect what he knew had to be done. Ben played the part of the Hero Without Fear.

And he played the part perfectly.

Jysella though, she hung back, and watched with her heart in her mouth. At least for a moment. Ben knew that Jys would be up and over the ramparts moments after him. She had to watch his back after all. But that initial charge, the first burst, that was all him.

It was what was required and expected of him.

And though she hated it, hated seeing him put himself into danger in that way, she loved him for it as much as the rest of their squad, their army did.

He stepped away from her.

"I love you," she said to him with a smile.

Her grinned, and replied, "I know." Then he turned towards the rampart, and drew the Force to him.

With a quick glance over his shoulder, he winked at her, and then his blade was ignited and he was throwing himself over the bulwark, and towards the enemy below. Her heart plunged as she began her five-count, listening to his blade as it changed pitch and tone based on what he was doing. Jysella knew those sounds by heart.

One.

That pitch was him redirecting a laser blast.

Two.

That pitch was him swinging the sword through an infinity arc.

Three.

That tone was him catching a slug, or maybe a black-market thud-bug, on his blade.

Four.

Then the unmistakable happened. A sound she wasn't prepared for. One she had never heard on the battlefield before. Then silence. That unmistakable sound of a lightsaber was just... gone. Despite the noise and the explosions, all Jysella heard was the nothingness which the battle now lacked.

Five.

Her blade flared to life at the same time that the sound of Ben's name erupted from her lips. Her powers surged, and she threw herself forward, scrambling over the rapport, and then tossing herself into the fray, even as her eyes shifted about, hunting for him.

Her brain refused to believe what her eyes were telling her. He was just not there. Their soldiers streamed past her, sending waves of coherent light towards the enemy, but she did not care. They fell by the hundreds as the enemy returned fire, but she did not care.

All that mattered was that lack. That nothingness which was all she could feel of Ben.

Her blade moved of its own accord, protecting her when needed, slashing at the enemy whenever one got to close. That was happening in the mundane world though. Jysella was beyond that, her focus, her consciousness was deep within the Force.

She screamed into the velvet folds of the battle that waged around her, hunting, searching for some speck of Ben.

Finally, her foot touched something round and metal, and the mundane world crashed back into her awareness with all the explosions, smoke, grit and dirt of the battle.

She hunkered down, and found his lightsaber. Tears instantly sprang to her eyes, as she cradled the weapon to her chest.

She looked around, hunting for any sign of him, not really able to see a thing through the blur which the tears had made her vision become.

So intently was she looking, so focused on just finding Ben, that she never heard the sound of the battle stop. The first she knew that it was over was when a hand fell onto her shoulder; heavy, armored.

She stopped, and blinked back her tears. There was a cold, oiliness to the Force presence behind her. He, and it was definitely a he, wasn't one of her soldiers.

She stood, and turned around, keeping Ben's blade hidden from the soldier's view.

He stood there, watching her. His black GAG armor held an almost reddish tint from the dust and grim which still hung in the air at waist height, his helmet was gone--probably discarded at some point in the battle due to damage. He was young, maybe five years younger than Jysella, maybe ten; but that didn't matter.

He was the enemy. She poured her will into the Force, and flung it at him. Making him see her as a superior officer of the Guard.

"Do we know what happened to Ben Skywalker?"

The soldier's entire stance changed. He snapped to parade attention and instantly stopped pointing his carbine at her. "No ma'am. He disappeared during the battle and we've not found him yet."

She fought to keep a snarl from her voice. "Then go see if there's an update and report back immediately."

The soldier jogged off, and she once again took up looking for Ben's body. Hoping and praying that she finds it, even while dreading that she will. It was an odd feeling, an emptiness and a pain; one that threatened to consume her very sense of self. She had to know his fate, she had to find him.

Of that she was certain.

Then, suddenly, she was certain, and in that moment, she would give up that clear, hard certainty for ambiguity and not knowing.

She had found him. His body rested in the dirty, hidden among the smoke and dust which still hung heavily on the air. She waved away the dirt, and looked at him, her eyes, taking in his form, flickering from one feather to another, from his reddish-blond hair, cropped close to his skull, to his brilliant blue eyes which were lackluster and dull.

Finally, Ben had lived up to his moniker, he truly was the Hero Without Fear.

She knelt down into the dust, and pressed her forehead against his, trying to not smell the stench of charred flesh and plasteel armor. They had always known that sooner or later, one of them wouldn't make it back from one of these battles. Of course, they had always assumed it would be later, but that knowledge of encroaching death was the real, unspoken, reason that they had always kissed right before every battle. Just to make sure that there would be a last kiss.

She saw her tears splash against his slack face. "You just had to play the part. You couldn't let the rest of us go over at the same time as you, and you wouldn't ever hear of staying back for a moment. No, you had to be the Hero without Fear. You kriffing schutta."

She saw his saber resting next to him, where she had unconsciously laid it. She snatched the blade up, and placed the emitter next to her heart. There was no need to be here anymore. She couldn't do this by herself. She wasn't strong enough. Not without him.

Her thumb began pressing on the activator.

The standard lightsaber activation plate requires seven pounds of pressure to activate. Ben's took 6.9 pounds.

Jysella had applied 6.8 pounds of pressure before she opened herself to the Force and stopped. She kept the pressure applied, but she listened. It was whispering to her, in his voice. Telling her that she could go on, that she needed to.

"Why?" she cried out. The sound echoed back to her across the now empty battlefield.

In response, she remembered an old, old lesson. A lecture she had heard well over a decade ago, maybe even two, right at the end of the Vong War. Master Tionne, was talking about the Force, and had said, "Life sustains it, makes it grow. When we kill, we destroy the Force. We weaken ourselves and all other life. With every death, the Force itself dims. But, with new life, the Force is renewed. With each and every birth, the Force glows and grows and becomes stronger than it was before. That is the balance that we must protect. That is the balance of the Force."

Jysella's eyes snapped open. They had not been abstinent, but they had been taking precautions against pregnancy. All of the standard anti-pregnancy tricks which were available to all of soldiers under their command. The same ones which GAG used, and the Imperial Remnant, and even the GAR, decades ago.

She touched the Force again, but instead of reaching out, she reached in. She hunted, and search, and then found. A nugget of something that was not her, and was not Ben, but was them both at the same time. She gulped at the air, trying to understand.

Ben's voice seemed to laugh through the Force. "The Force wills to happen, what it will."

She finally released the pressure she held against the activator plate, and dropped back onto her haunches. This is real, she thought to herself. I'm going to have Ben's baby..

Standing, she looked about at the death and destruction and suddenly knew. She knew with the certainty that only the most fanatic of fanatics ever manages to achieve. It had never been her job, or Ben's job, to fix things. They were never there to end the war. There were not there to win. They were just a stop-gap measure. Something to ensure that it didn't get too bad before the person who was supposed to fix everything showed up.

Their real job had always been to create the person who would.

Ben had lived up to his name. He had stepped forward time and time again, doing that which the Force willed. And as always, the Force used and then took him back into itself. His job was complete. Now, hers was just beginning.

She knelt down again and took Ben's nexu-tags and gripped his saber tighter in her hand. These would be the only remembrance their child would have of Ben. But, Jysella knew they would be enough.

As the tears flowed down her face, she watched Ben for another long moment, memorizing his face. Closing her eyes, she slowly exhaled, letting go of the anger that she felt towards him.

She knew it was time to go now. She had over a klick to walk in order to get to the retrieval point, and it was probably all hostile territory by now. But she also knew that it would be all right.

Standing, she turned away from Ben, and realized that she was facing the setting sun. It seemed appropriate somehow. The end of day, plus the promise of new life around the corner. It was representative of her. She knew that she was facing a new world. Her love, her life, her Ben, was dead, but their child was healthy and would be born in just a few short months.

Without looking back, she took her first step into this new world. A world which was at once both larger and smaller than the one she had left behind.