I Want to be Your Knight - Ch. 33

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I stared at her for a moment, and then hung my head. No matter how much I wished otherwise, there was only a single answer for that.

"Yes," I whispered, hating myself the entire time.

Of course, I'd gotten good at that.

I felt Seha's shock roll across me in the Force, and the pain as Jys' tears flowed freely, her body shaking.

"If I had seen you, I would have taken you over to the Anakin Solo. I obeyed orders, Jys. I was a Lieutenant in the Guard. That doesn't excuse all the things I did, but at the time I didn't know..." Frowning, I paused. I had been about to say that I didn't know better. But that would have been a lie. "No, I knew better, I just... I just trusted Jacen."

I leaned back in my seat, gingerly touching my nose where Jys had hit it.

Jysella cried there on the deck of the cockpit, and I watched, wanting nothing more to comfort her, to tell her that everything would be all right.

But that would've been a lie.

I knew better.

I'd lost a mother to Jacen as well.

In an ironic twist of fate, I was the cause of her death as well. She went after Jacen because he was corrupting me. I think she would have known even then that it was me that turned Mirax over to Jacen, even if Jysella hadn't still been hiding out on the Errant Venture.

So, I knew that it would never be all right again. That there was nothing that would ever quite feel the same now that her mother was gone.

I glanced over at Seha, and found her staring at me. Her face white as she chewed at her lower lip.

"Seha?"

She blinked, and then shook her head. "No... I... I'm sorry Ben, this...I... no... I can't..."

She got up and headed towards the door, stepping around Jys as if she was afraid that she would get burned by touching her. I stood up, and Seha's head snapped towards me. She looked terrified--kind of like an animal trapped in the lights of a landspeeder.

She gave another one of those quick, abbreviated shakes of her head, and then fled, literally running down the corridor. I clenched my jaw as she disappeared, and dropped back into my seat. Leaning forward, I put my head into my hands, propping my elbows on my knees as I felt the tears wanting to fall.

I forced them back, slamming the door on my emotions, locking them behind the durasteel walls where I kept them.

Why had I let her in, I thought to myself. Why? I didn't deserve any happiness. I knew that I wasn't worthy of it, I knew that I'd just end up hurting her, so why did I do it?.

As was the case so often, I didn't have an answer. All I knew was that I hated myself as much now, as I did while working for Jacen.

I'm not sure when Jysella left, but when I lifted my head she was gone. I glanced at the navicomp, watching the inevitable scroll of numbers.

Finally, it reached zero.

Absentmindedly, I reached out and grabbed the hyperspace levers, and pushed them forward.

The swirls of hyperspace fell away, replaced by the cold pinpricks of light that was a starscape. I reached out and grabbed the controls, pushing the ship around until I could see the blue and green orb that was Sinteria.

I glanced at the datapad on the pilot's console, and noted that I needed to go to the city of Cythin in the tropic region.

As I requested landing clearance for Cythin, I stretched out with the Force.

The first thing I came across was the cold, hard diamond of Jys' anger.

I reached further and found the smoldering embers of Seha's sorrow and fear.

I almost dropped out of the Force, as it hit me once again just how much I've damaged those girls.

Instead, I reached out further.

I stretched, reaching out and touching all of the Force presences on the planet below, allowing every being's sense of self wash over me, just getting a taste for the web of life, allowing it to entangle me.

The console in front of me beeped, drawing me back to the here and now. I confirmed my receipt of the landing instructions, and then sent the ship into a dive; plunging into the atmosphere.

I wanted to get this mission over with, and then see about finding an appropriate hole where I could hide out for the rest of my life.

Maybe a nice little house out in the middle of nowhere on Dagobah or Tattooine.

My danger sense flared, and my head snapped over my shoulder to find Seha standing there. Her glare was hard and dangerous.

Two adjectives I had never thought would apply to her.

I nodded my head, and turned back to the console. When I spoke, I was surprised at how even my voice sounded; especially since my stomach was doing backflips. "Why not strap in, we'll be landing in a few minutes."

She sat down in the co-pilot's station, and stared out at the clouds we were flying through.

"Are you going to leave? Run away again?"

I looked at her, and the hardness was gone. All that was left was broken edges, and a tear slicing down her cheek.

"Do you want me to stay?"

She looked at me, chewing at her lower lip. Another tear tracked down her face. "I... I honestly don't know..."

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